Reflections from Behind the Safety of a Keyboard Part 1

Yes, your eyes do not betray you, this is a post after roughly 6 weeks of absence. So what happened? I lost the plot, I gave into stress and decided the world would be better if I just kept quiet and held my peace. I completely lost my confidence. The breaking factor was the death of my uncle, who I hadn’t actually seen for years because he couldn’t seem to understand that my type 1 diabetes was not of my own making. He was also awfully competitive with my mother, and constantly bullied her, so he and I were never going to be friends anyway if he continued this treatment. Mum had finally got up the courage to cut him off by returning a birthday card he had sent her, because of all the stress of conversing with him and his semi-polite condescending manner which he permanently adopted when speaking with her. He tried to speak to me in the same way until I became old enough to figure out what he was doing, and then I would cut him down from the pseudo-intellectual height he had assumed for himself and ask him why he had that particular opinion in an innocent tone and let him explain himself away. The absolute height of the matter came to a head when my mother finally left my emotionally abusive and womanising father, where Mum sat in her new place, broke and friendless (because we’d moved from two states away and didn’t know anyone), rang her brother and asked if she could borrow the sum of $400. He wouldn’t speak to her that night, so instead Mum explained the situation to his wife who was extremely sympathetic and encouraging in the huge step my mother had made, and told her that my uncle would call her the next night as he was ‘tired’. What happened next took our breath away, as although my uncle’s resentment towards his younger sister was always apparent behind his thinly veiled veneer of good manners, there was the idea of family and blood ties. Mum began to speak to my uncle, who listened for about 30 seconds then suddenly attacked, demanding why hadn’t Mum sent him a birthday card in the previous month and how selfish she was, and then hung up on his sister, leaving her holding the phone, staring at it like it had suddenly come to life and bitten her.

So how had we found about about his death? Not from his wife, or any of my cousins, but from when I was researching our family tree in an attempt to discover more about the people I was forced to leave behind to move to another state because my father couldn’t stay away from his girlfriend. If you think you can read anger and resentment in that sentence, you’d be right. The history of my family is complicated, but isn’t every family at heart? I knew that last gesture of Mum sending my uncle’s card to her back to him would engender resentment in him, but the extent was only revealed when I made the discovery that he had died in February 2013, and not a soul had ever bothered to do the courtesy of letting us know. I’m not entirely sure why the whole thing has affected me so much, but I completely lost my confidence and retreated to that place inside where you don’t want to talk to anyone at all and simply wish the world would pass you by. I think it’s because my sense of self=worth has been eroding over time as my weight has gone up, and my dependance on my ex-partner had grown because the house I live in is not at all suited to someone who uses sticks and a wheelchair to get around. 

The inevitable happened on Monday and my engagement ended in not a fierce argument byt a mere whimper as we agreed to part ways. I’m experiencing a lot of emotions at the moment, anger and regret being the dominant ones but then I will settle into a feeling of distance from it all as if it were another person altogether who is trying to plan for a new life. I feel scattered and unfocused, for I’m desperately trying to deal with an ex-partner who has just a psychotic episode and is high as a kite on antis, and would probably harm himself if I wasn’t around to dictate to him what he should do and when and where he should do it. I honestly feel as if I was caring for a three year old, but I suspect that a three year old would learn from what I was trying to teach them. Rodney is always very difficult to deal with, but since his schizophrenic tendencies have come to the forefront, I have been left with the feeling that no matter how patient I am he is never going to learn a thing. I really don’t think he can blame this solely on his condition, because my belief is that he has always been looked after by his parents, and they haven’t instilled an ounce of independance in him so he takes things for granted. It’s emotionally very wearing when every month I have to ask him to pay his share of the bills, and he tells he ‘forgot’ which I think is highly unlikely because the same bills are involved and they do tend to be due on the exact same date, funnily enough. To me, this forgetfulness means that he’s secretly hoping that I’m going to pay them so that he won’t have to.

So I’ve gathered myself together, given myself a shake and asked what it is that I really want to do now? Not an easy question to answer, but I want some of my life back from before this happened, some control over my future and regained happiness. I beg your deepest pardon for my desertion, but I ask you to consider the circumstances and forgive me. Nor can I promise that I won’t be disappearing again for a while. as I must pack the house and I have precious little time in which to do it, but this time I will give warning. I’ve missed posting as I appreciate the comments from all of you and the friendships I’ve made online. Both Wandering Soul and David at Vexing Point have been kind enough to enquire about me, and I sincerely thank them for caring during a time in my life where I began to wonder whether anyone bothered about me at all.

It’s amazing how badly a lost relationship can affect how one feels about oneself, but I think for now I have to accept that I’m not going to be feeling that great for a while. Of course I’m wondering how I could have made so serious an error in judgement, to trust someone who can thoroughly exploit your good nature for their own purposes and still think their behaviour is acceptable and justified. It leaves me saddened that someone who I loved and was prepared to marry has has shown his true nature by sharing a house with me and proving he is ill-equipped to shoulder adult responsibilities. I must however try not to focus on what was lost but what will be regained by my newly found independence, I don’t know how my life is going to shape out but I do know that I am strong and will handle it with the grace of God. 

Regards,

Emily

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