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Secrets and Lies

Today is day four of Writing 101, and I’m going to take liberties here and combine yesterday’s single word assingment and the photo challenge for today. If I can do things the lasy way then I will. This kind of writing is another depature for me, I set myself a cetain amount of time and just wrote whatever came into my head, and I haven’t even looked at it to be honest.

Update; I just discovered the Writing 101 assignment is to write a letter to someone you want to let know about something, so I think it’s obvious who I would be referring to by name. I promise you I wouldn’t break this news to him via the internet, however he’s simply not interested in reading my blog, so I can publish this without fear.

He doesn’t know how I’m seriously contemplating leaving him. I’ve imagined what it will be like away from him and all I imagine is a sense of release and freedom. I’ve been someone that I’m not due to things beyond my control, and now everything about him leaves me cold. He thinks he doesn’t know how I feel but how can he not notice my mono-syllabic answers to the endless questions that come from him because he doesn’t think, and he doesn’t possess any common sense whatsoever.

It’s not just that however. No self-esteem makes him crave my love and affection like a starving child and he is a child really. He looks to me for everything, and I wish he would have the courage to have an original thought. I’ve tried to include him before on the things that interest me, but he doesn’t make any comment out of non interest and apathy. He only wants to talk about himself and he’s suffocating me slowly. I can’t believe that I chose this boy as my partner as the sames are superficial but the differences go all the way to the bone. He actually thinks so very little of himself that he will take anyone who will take care of him, he will listen to all my advice and talk animatedly about it but takes none of it. There is no purpose, no structure to his life and I’m so very disappointed as I do value me although I can’t recognise the person I am because things have changed for me.

I will not swallow the person I am anymore because this is my life and I refuse to live in the conditions I am. He doesn’t have any standards, so little care for our daily life that anything is good enough for him, that’s ok if he wants it but not for me. I want to go back to university and outwardly he’s fairly sanguine about it saying ‘you need intellectual stimulation’. Has he only just learned that? Hasn’t he known what I need? I know he wants me to take care of his business for him but that’s a monumental task as in four years he’s never saved money, kept records of what he’s earned or spent, he lets money slip out of his fingers and now he has the absolute hide to tell me he spends a lot of his time getting me to all the various doctors I need to govern my life and then he says ‘It’s not your fault’. I know it’s not my fault and how dare he infer by his first statement that I’m responsible for this?

I can’t believe that I didn’t see this coming because I’m supposed to be intelligent, street-smart, a capable woman mentally and emotionally but since we moved here in I’ve lost myself and become weak and frail, too sick to know or care about my treatment at his hands. I feel ashamed that I let things go so far and accepted abuse instead of love and he thinks I’m going to be satisfied with that. He doesn’t know that I’m beginning to have a lot of contempt at the things he says, the things he does to please me because he fears I will leave. I will leave and deep down he knows it, so predictably he’s doing all the things he should have done when we moved in here for he knew my frailness (and how I despise it) means I can’t do housework as I disappear in a world of pain.

The most simple of things he cannot do for me. He can’t bring me a cup of tea without prompting by me, he doesn’t think to ever ask me. He doesn’t ask me about my day and my interests but launches into a monologue about his day. He tells me he can’t take this job or that one because ‘If I go over time, I won’t be able to get you dinner’. He uses me as his excuse not to try at anything and I resent it deeply.

I know what his friends will think of me, I will be judged and called ‘that bitch’ and there will be endless hours of discussion on who saw it coming and who was flabbergasted. They will speculate on how I can leave such a wonderful person, and say ‘She doesn’t know what she’s missing mate’, nodding sagely over their beers but that’s not true. I do know what I’ll be missing and I’m glad about it. I will be living alone but I’d rather do that then live in a toxic relationship where I come out the loser.

I have to put aside my ethics about lying and keep all this a secret for the time being because I need to plan my escape, and tell him when I have things organised. I know I’ll have to sell my beloved car and I find myself resenting having to do that, but I need the money to move. He’s spent all my savings so I’m at a severe disadvantage and I know I won’t ever get that back. I don’t understand how he can be so desperately irresponsible so that I have to pay the bills out of my meagre pension, he should be helping me out, and he honestly thinks that helping me out with the shopping is good enough, and it’s simply not, not by a long shot. At best it’s condescending and at worst it’s neglect because I have to put money in our bills account as I don’t want money to be withdrawn and put the account into debit. How on earth would he ever live without me because he’s getting discounts because of me so how would he survive? I know the answer to that, he’ll go back to his parents so they can take care of him, and they’re welcome to him. If they think they’ve brought him up properly they’re sadly mistaken as I’m the one who’s had to do everything for him, I ‘ve organised the move, the rent, insurance, got him an insurance broker, told him about every facet of life on your own but I’m not going to be his mother anymore.

Yesterday he made a desperate attempt to please me, he started doing the things that I’ve been needing him to do around the house that I’ve been wanting him to do for many months, but it didn’t earn any points with me. I’m sure he’s only done it because he’s noticed the change in me lately, that I don’t hand out advice any more, I don’t cuddle him or attempt to talk about myself and he’s frightened I’ll leave him. All he’s doing is driving me away by his compliance because I’m sure he doing it for all the wrong reasons, not that he loves me but because he fears losing me. Lately he’s started to tell me that I’m right, he pauses to consider my words carefully and says ‘You’re right, you’re right’ but I know he’s not really listening to me, he’s just trying to please me and that’s the last thing I want.

I have to leave.

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I like, I’ve Lost, I’ve Learned

In response to Writing 101 assignment day two: As this a writing exercise, I decided it would be prudent to change my writing skills on their head, and just to make it really different for myself and everyone, I’ve lost my head completely and added a photo of a Double Delight rose, which I grew myself, for aesthetic purposes (I don’t even know myself today!).

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I like the world around me, and,
the colours bursting through a poem
my mother’s cat reminds me of
a childhood and a home

I’ve lost my way and cannot find,
my way around for long,
please tell me why the anguish builds
and makes me sing my song

I’ve learned and
in my capricious life
this is the way I’m thinking now
that gets me into strife!