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I’m suffering from a crisis of self-worth for the very first time in my life and I don’t like it one bit. I’m second, third and fourth guessing everything I write and can’t seem to post the way I wanted to when I first started this blog. I had every intention to write humorous stories about some of the incidences in my life and instead I’ve been writing sad, depressing stories about me having diabetes. I don’t take myself seriously but lately, how I feel about me has changed. So what happened to change me?

Recently I was trashed on Facebook, and it was the very first time I’ve ever had someone do that to me on the Internet.  Some people might say ‘So what? I get trolled 6 times a day!’. Good for you, but for me it was devastating. My immediate reaction was hurt, then fury, a desire to maim, and back to hurt. Why have I taken this so seriously? I know deep down that what other people think about me has nothing to do with my perception of myself but this has really dented me. She doesn’t know me; I don’t know her so why has this affected me so badly? I know I’m not alone here because social media has changed the way we view and interact with others. I haven’t gone back to Facebook for weeks… which is probably a good thing.  Don’t try this at home kids, it might get interesting.

The Quiz

So how do I know how damaged my self-esteem is by an online quiz ( sounded like a good idea at the time). Unfortunately, the first one froze on me and I immediately assumed it didn’t like me. I’ll get back to that one later because to convince it otherwise. I’ll wait for you BeliefNet!

Next quiz came from Netdoctor which sounds professional, but don’t get too excited yet. It returned the following result:

You have scored 62. (Out of what exactly? I assume 100 but you just don’t know)

What your scoring means

You have quite good self-esteem on the whole (No I don’t. Trust me). But you sometimes fail to believe in yourself enough. (I believe in me, it’s just everyone else that has their doubts). Remember you are a special and unique person (Of course I am, I’m so unique they broke the mould after I was made. That’s because it had diabetes and they wanted to put it out of it’s misery). Many people with your score feel confident in what they do for a living and get a lot of affirmation from that. (Sorry I don’t work, and anyway, it isn’t what I do that gives myself affirmation, it’s supposed to be who I am that does that. Tsk tsk self-worth quiz). It’s important however, to feel good about who you are, not just about what you do. (I do feel good about who I am, er I think I do?) Have a think about this. (Have a think about what in particular? Is there some great truth in this where I simply haven’t picked up the context yet?)

Good heavens, what a load of rubbish! A very simplistic question and multiple choice answer system that really needs to take a bloody good look at itself, and if it doesn’t like the criticism too bad.

On to the next quiz from psychtest and this one was touted as a scientifically viable so it had better impress me with chocolate and flowers. Fair warning psychtest.

Overall Score is 60

Your results indicate that you have relatively high self-esteem (Relatively speaking of course). You recognize your inner value and it shows in your personal life, relationships and career/school success (True, I always like to tell people about my inner value). You exude confidence, and believe enough in yourself to pursue things whole-heartedly. (My pursuits extend to eating and sleeping at the moment). Such a healthy self-esteem likely allows you to handle stress effectively and maintain an overall sense of well-being (Are you serious? I’m so stressed out I can’t think straight). You should value and nurture this quality…it will take you far in life. (Sure, how I feel about myself will get me far away from life with chronic illness, look at me go).

Ten questions and it thinks it knows me? This is supposed to be a scientific test from reputable people. I could have a 5 minute chat with someone and they could find out more than this test did.

On to Queendon.com and this looks more positive. This time there’s a whopping 34 questions (!) which is a bit more comprehensive than the last 2 tests. Some of the questions I had already answered in the Psychtest quiz, but that was fine because I’m at heart essentially a lazy person.

Your score is 69 (Now I’m getting slightly worried, does this mean the tests have been accurate? I’m staggered that this kind of pop psychology could be right).

You generally don’t concern yourself too much about being rejected by others, although it does cross your mind from time to time. (That’s true, people can like or not like me and I’m not too worried because I know what they’re missing out on). However, you don’t really seem to be the type to bend over backwards in order to get and keep other people’s approval – at least not too often. (I’m not and I said I’m not, weren’t you paying attention?) Rejection by the people in your life may very well hurt you and may be something you have experienced before, but you try not to let it affect how you feel about yourself. (Who’s rejecting me and what did they say about me?) Although you likely know this, the only approval you should be worried about is your own. (No, go on, say you enjoyed me being at your website) Moreover, when you respect and approve of yourself, you are more likely to project an image to others that says “I am worthy, and I am have much to offer to someone.” (What was that last bit? Pretty bad mistake on a quiz that’s collecting data. Did I mention the data collecting?)

Tell me you love me (I mean literally)

Now to give myself the love that I clearly need and get some advice.  Hmmm how about some quotes to keep me going?

 

The great thing in the world is not so much to seek happiness as to earn peace and self-respect.

Thomas Huxley

(What is wrong with happiness? It makes me happy to be happy. And who’s this Thomas Huxley when he’s at home anyway? I only follow celebrities because they just get it right all the time).

Drugs are a waste of time. They destroy your memory and your self-respect and everything that goes along with your self-esteem. They’re no good at all.

Kurt Cobain

(Listen to Kurt, he knows what he’s talking about. This man didn’t just take drugs, the drugs had him. What? He’s dead, he can’t hear me).

 

Cutting people out of my life, does not mean I hate them, it simply means I respect me.

(Now that’s better, that person knows what they’re talking about. Pity that I have absolutely no idea who they are).

What does it all mean?

Self-esteem must come from within us so that we grow and nourish ourselves. It’s dangerous to rely on other people to make us feel good about ourselves, for you will always be disappointed and hurt as people seldom live up to our expectations. It’s easy to accept pats on the back from other people but when they’re not there, you’re left to wilt and slowly starve emotionally. It’s not healthy to rely on anyone for boosts to your self-worth but you know you can rely on you. I’m happy that my image of myself hasn’t changed and it speaks highly of my mother, who obviously built a solid groundwork for me to grow upon. Self-esteem and confidence aren’t to be confused with selfishness, to which the person thinks only of themselves and their own needs, and hardly cares for anyone else’s opinions, wants or needs.

It seems although the person got what they wanted at the time by trashing my profile on Facebook they didn’t actually win in the long run. My core values and beliefs are intact, but as a long time internet user I’m shocked this hasn’t happened before to me. When did we get comfortable with this lack of respect for other people? What makes it right to treat other people badly just because they’re behind the anonymity of a computer screen? Threatened violence towards people on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube and other social media seems to becoming the norm, as if it didn’t matter. People believe they can get away treating others in a truly despicable manner when they wouldn’t dare say these things face to face. They should be accountable; however, police don’t seem to know how to cope with online bullying altogether because the laws aren’t in place to effect the more serious offenders. It’s up to us as individuals to reject the idea that saying that threats, trolling, online bullying, and this is all just as unacceptable as it would be to their face. If you’re tempted to attack someone for a comment put yourself in a real life situation and ask yourself ‘Would I say this to them in person?’

Oops, I almost forgot about Beliefnet.com, my first quiz:

Congratulations. You’ve learned the importance of respecting yourself and drawing appropriate boundaries. You are the king or queen of your own castle and a good example to others of what it means to have a high sense of self-esteem.

Maybe I’m stronger than I give myself credit for.

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As an adult amputee it is difficult enough to go through something so traumatic, but to go through that as a kid must be awful as kids can be very cruel to anything different.

This initiative is a wonderful idea helping them deal with the concept of losing a limb by it being made to be something positive. As for me I’ll just have to keep buying t shirts to sacrifice so they can wrap it around the top of the leg… actually I’m due for a new leg in a few weeks so I might get a Star Wars shirt this time hmmm

Boy is inducted into Darth Vader’s Own Legion, the 501st

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This is by one of my very favourite authors, Rudyard Kipling. This poem is about a father giving advice to his son, but it really resonates for everyone. Everyone should be given a copy of this on their 18th Birthday. It’s about growing up, shouldering responsibility, but also assigning yourself value, and cherishing your own character. A fantastic read, and one of my favourite poems of Kipling’s.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!”

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Boy Toys

Source: Boy Toys

This poem was written by Judy Dykstra-Brown, an author who has amazing talent especially for poetry, so I have included this to show you all what you’re missing. Please go and have a look at her books, photos and art by clicking on the link above.

If I were a kid again,
I’d ask for an electric train,
erector sets and building blocks,
a cane to take along on walks
for fending off mean dogs and snakes,
a little oven that really bakes,
decoder rings and magic sets,
ant farms and bug-collecting nets,
a chart for looking up the stars,
paraffin and jelly jars.

The main thing that I’d want, you see,
are more forms of activity:
canvas, paints and wood or clay
to help me pass the time of day.
Instead, adventure came in books–
days spent in armchairs or in nooks
and crannies of our lawn or house,
curled up like a little mouse,
reading of the far-off places,
imaginary deeds and faces.

But I would rather have been doing–
drawing, cutting, building, gluing.
Instead I spent my days in dreams,
filling up my mind with schemes
of what I’d do when I was older–
taller, smarter, braver, bolder.
When we are young, if no one shows us,
takes the trouble to expose us
to the world of creativity,
we may never really see

all the ways that there might be
to set imagination free.
It was plain that an erector set
was not a toy I’d ever get.
With “Hello boys,” written on the front,
the message was both clear and blunt.
Girls did not ask for toys like this.
I had no inkling of what I’d miss.
Creativity was slow to dawn.
For years, I simply played the pawn,

doing what others asked of me,
waiting until I was free
to find a path I’d never seen
caught up in the small town machine.
When I was freed into the world,
a whole new universe unfurled
undivided into  girls or boys.
I finally learned to choose the toys
I really wanted: saws and pliers,
sheets of silver, silver wires,

drill presses and dapping blocks,
glues and solder guns and caulks.
I finally have the toys I want–
not toys to look at or to flaunt,
but toys to make things with and do
–things that help me build anew
each day into whate’er I wish:
a paper lamp, a silver fish.
My story boxes tell the story
of all those years in purgatory

before I learned what else there was
to make my life take off and buzz
with focus and activity–
to fill my days and set me free.
Somehow I just got off the track
before I made my own way back,
but If I did it over again,
I’d ask for that electric train.
Around the track, I’d watch it curl–
a perfect pastime for a girl!!!